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February 2024 Thoughts

February 1

9:56

I'm just waking up and I have like an hour before I have to go to therapy, but I want to add stuff to this website.

10:21

Guess who messed up the guestbook again, yep me.

10:50

Just updated the code I use to generate the website, now I can do some pretty fun stuff >:3

February 2

11:40

A couple of months ago a friend blocked me. We had a disagreement and afterwards I messaged him saying I considered him a friend and if he needs me I would be there for him. He blocked me after that, and it hurt like hell, he pushed me aside, blocked our most common way of communication, pushed me away from his life.

Today he unblocked me, but you know what? He's not my friend anymore. Things will not go to the way they were before, the walls are up, and he's not coming in. If he wants to heal our relationship then he will have to show that he cares the way I cared.

He's the one that will have to say sorry, he is the one who will have to approach me. I don't wish him anything bad, I hope he lives a happy life. But as things are now, I don't want him near my heart.

14:56

I'm gonna meet with some friends today and I just asked in the group chat at what hour should I get there. And after they responded to me I realized that they just said that like 3 messages before I'm gonna. Why am I like this!?

February 7

8:50

Yesterday I finished Va11 Hall-A and got the good ending! I'm so glad I got it because I have a lot other games to play this year. Starting with Cobalt Core today.

It's been a wild start of the month though. Found a nice job, managed to close a lot of projects, went out with friends, good stuff. ON THE OTHER HAND the fires in Valparaíso literally killed more people than the 2010's earthquake, and our last president died in an helicopter accident. (maybe because of something dumb?? idk he was the only one who died in the accident so idk)

Some people are celebrating his death, even though I don't agree with the man and personally think he was living in an alternative reality and he did a lot of harm I can't laugh at his death. Empathy I guess, I feel for his family, I know how it feels to lose someone. Even if you were not close, the thought of never being able to talk with someone you cared about again still hurts.

I'm hoping things get better with the fires, I donated to the goverment's restoration fund for the people who lost their homes and Viña del Mar's Botanic Garden to help with the restoration of the forests. I may go to buy some water and pet food in the afternoon to donate it too. I have to check with my finances first.

Ferbruary 8

13:09

I don't know why I write the month each day, I guess I'll stop putting it after this entry.

I started playing Cobalt Core yesterday and the game is soooo gooooooood!!! Like definitely one of my favorite games of all time good. The characters are super charming and funny, the different combos you can do with the caracters are fun, I like it a lot. (Riggs best girl)

Yesterday I forgot to eat because I kept playing, so I'll stop for today now (been playing for like 3 hours.) I decided to spend my last unemployed days relaxing and playing stuff. Also I have to figure out how my schedule is going to look when I start working again.

I've been searching for work for like 3 months now, and have also out of any industry for a year. And also also, haven't had a fully in-person job before. I'm a little scared but I hope I'll get used to it, the job seems fun so at least that's that.

Friday 9

19:24

I finished Cobalt Core today and it became one of my favorite games of all time. I loved the characters, gameplay, music, everything really.

I'm super tired though, I've been playing a lot these past days. I started it like the day before yesterday, and took 20 hours to beat. I think I'll go and make food, after that I'll decide what to do with the rest of my day.

Sunday 11

9:04

I was thinking about how the more I've learned about art, the less I think of "bad drawings" as well "bad drawings". I was watching JaidensAnimations pokemon game show where the contestants had to give a drawing with their answers. And I think the only drawings I really didn't like were those where people stopped trying.

A lot of them were so cool, even if they were just scribbles. Wolfeys were so interesting given he has aphantasia, and drawing pokemon from memory is something your brain puts you at a clear disadvantage. I don't have aphantasia, but I imagine that to draw pokemon from memory you need to have drawn them before (with reference) if your brain works like that. You kinda memorize how to draw it one part at a time. Idk, I imagine it works that way.

Anyways, back to the "bad drawings" thought. Maybe that's what AI "artists" think, and that's why they see things as they do.

Maybe they think of their art as bad, because it didn't meet someone's expectations (or even THEIR expectations). And maybe they see art as that, just a discipline you can get technically good at. When in reality technical mastery is just a tool to express yourself freely.

Maybe I've already told this story, but when AI art was just getting mainstream, one of my players showed me AI art of our session. It was the first time someone did that to me, and I felt so hurt and couldn't express really why. I think I understand more now, that was not theirs, maybe they thought that he was so "bad at drawing" that he couldn't express something like that.

The pictures were technically and stylistically interesting. But they didn't have any of the messages or emotions my player wanted to express. A stolen picture similar to my player's favorite moments that happened in the session.

I guess he wanted a memento, I just wish that he would've decided to pay an artist to make it for him. Or draw something, or write something, or make something himself. Mementos made by yourself have so much memories and emotions in them. And if you only keep an similar picture of what happened, maybe you'll eventually forget what you liked so much about that moment to begin with.

Saturday 17

15:59

I decided to start posting art on tumblr regularly. The thing is I started a new job, and I love the work, but I hate the lunch hour. My coworkers are like "anti-pronouns", hetero men that talk about women like they were a different species of creature and it makes me super unconfortable.

I have ranted enough about this to my friends, I don't want to repeat it here. I like the work, and I like the team dynamic they have, and how passionate everyone is during work hours. When they are out of work hours and talking about women and black people and people from other nacionalities is when I'm the most unconfortable.

I don't know if I want to work there too many years. So I started to post art on tumblr to feel like I'm working towards something different. I'm exposing myself so other people see me for who I am, and maybe make friends with people who accept me as who I am.

I was kind of confused about my sexuality for a long time, I always thought I was hetero. But I think I'm ready to admit I'm not. I'm Demisexual, it is what makes the most sense to me, like the puzzle pieces all fit together.

Its weird coming out here, on a place that nobody reads, but its better than nowhere. I once told my mom I might be demisexual, but she told me that I was hetero and was just confused. I guess I'm ready to rebel against that, she may never get me, or even agree with me on who I am.

But she is the real loser here, I'm such a cool person, I do so many things. I have so much love inside me and anyone who accepts me will receive it. And the people who doesn't will just not, too bad for them.

So yeah, I started posting art on tumblr. May my essence be shown through my creations, may it be of value to someone. I hope my soul shines so bright that it warms someone's day even just a little bit. (This is my website, I can be as poetic and cringe as I want.)

Anyways, to whoever reads this, have a lovely rest of your day.

Tuesday 20

21:21

My job has been going better this last two days, my coworkers are not talking about women as much. I also started to work a little during lunch hour, so its shorter. Also also, I discovered that I can go buy food to a local subway that is 10 minutes from the office (that's like 30 minutes of not talking with my coworkers during lunch baby!).

Anyways, the job has been very tiring. I'm expected to learn like 3 skills super fast, one of my coworkers told me my first two weeks would be "easier". I think he doesn't know what he's talking about, maybe he thinks my rapid growth and learning is because I'm some kind of genius. I'm not, I just have a method and try really hard, I know some people who are actually geniuses.

What I wanted to say is that I'm a little sad that I don't have as much time to work on this website. I really enjoy doing it, but I don't always want to spend my free time on this. Even more so now, that I have like 1 hour of free time a day.

I hope I can make an update soon, now that I finished pseudoregalia I may work on it a little bit tomorrow. See you then!

Sunday 25

22:32

TW Suicide

It's so hard watching people having suicidal thoughts in social media. I know how it feels, and it gets better, but nothing I could say would help them.

I once saw one of my mutuals respond to a post of a person talking about their experience healing from all of it. And the post ended in somenthing along the lines of "don't give up, it gets better". And this mutual responded with "when?".

I wish I could tell them that for things to change they have to do something about it. I wish I could tell them they are in a deep hole, but instead of trying to get out they just are just waiting for something to save them. I wish I could tell them that the only person who can save them is themselves.

They wouldn't listen to me though, I know because I wouldn't have listened to me when I was there. I managed to get out of that hole by chasing a dream of having my own place to live by myself. Along the way I met a lot of people, and they taught me a lot.

The process of healing and getting out was really slow, it took me like 4 years I think, until I stopped having those thoughts. Some of that is still there, and I don't know if it will ever go away completely. But I'm so happy now, my life and mental health is so much better now, and I wish I could tell them that.

It all started by chasing a dream and never stopping, even when things didn't work out. The thought of achieving my dream of having a place for myself where I could be me always motivated me to go forward.

They may never read this, if they do they'll probably think that it's different for them. It's not, there's a way out, I promise just try and don't stop, even when you think about stopping don't stop. When life looks gloomy and everything seems to be falling apart you can look to the sky. Despite everything, the sun and the clouds will still be there, you can still try again.

I could write about this for hours, but I'll stop here, I have to work tomorrow. It's frustrating that whatever I say nobody would listen. The best I can do is listen when someone close to me talks to me about their feelings. I hope that's enough.

I'm sorry, I wish I could help everyone, but I'm just a stranger on the internet. I can't change the world, and I can't change other people's world. I hope you can forgive me for that.

Good night.

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